A Bride Prepares....Part I!

The clock is ticking - and I'm not talking the 'biological clock' here (that's another story, for another day!) As of today there are 21 days until Bruce and I get married! CRAZY!

So, how does the modern bride prepare for the Big Day?

Well, I can speak only for myself....And I have chosen a curriculum of 'renewal' for myself. With Bruce and I getting hitched in the Spring time, both of us sacrificing our single lives in favour of a resurrection as a 'married couple' - it seems only fitting to me that the renewal be as widespread as possible...

The semester began on Monday with a FOUR HOUR visit to the Elmwood Day Spa! What a trip! Here's a brief blurb from their website on what I had done to me:

"MALA MAYI Body Treatment

Mala Mayi means 'clan food' and the name originates in Ngadjon, Arnham Land & Far Nth Queensland.
Unwind, invigorate and celebrate with this complete rejuvenation experience. First energize and nourish with a full body aromatic oil and Desert Salt exfoliation. Then calm and revitalize the spirit, cocooned in warm Mapi Body Mud which cleanses and delivers essential nutrients to the skin, whilst you experience Aboriginal massage techniques with the Paudi scalp massage. Refresh with a shower then surrender the body and soul to a rhythmic Miji Kodo massage. 90 minutes"

HOLY SHIT! I've never had anything of the like done to me! Yes - a large, gay, Asian man, named Richard, rubbed my naked body with OIL and SALT for 40 minutes. I felt like a piece of Kobe Beef. My skin now feels amazing - but I have to say that during the treatment the sensations bordered on 'upsetting'! Imagine being rubbed vigorously with a piece of sandpaper over every inch of your body! I had to keep breathing and telling myself, "He's not going to rub you until you bleed! Oh - it FEELS like you're probably about to bleed...but this man is a professional. Relax." It wasn't until well into the treatment that I was reminded, by an intense BURNING sensation in my right ankle, that I had cut my ankle while shaving my legs that morning! I now have first hand experience of having SALT RUBBED INTO A WOUND!!! Richard then proceeded to cover my entire body in hot, red mud and then wrap me in layer of sheets and plastic wrap. This would have been quite pleasant if I had not had to go to the washroom from all the belly rubbing! I lay on the table, trying to enjoy the mud wrap, while wondering if Richard would notice if I peed the bed amidst all that oil, salt and red mud....I ended up calling off the mud wrap early out of urinary desperation! This treatment was followed up by a wonderful massage...and then I toodled up to the fourth floor (oh yeah - the Elmwood Spa is floor, after floor of body-delights!) for a Delux Facial that was so relaxing I fell asleep (except during the part where the gal squeezed every pore on my face. OUCH!!!!)

I emerged a fresh faced, detoxed, relaxed, super-softie-soft lady! Wonderful!

The curriculum of renewal doesn't stop there though! Oh no! I continue to go to the gym (VERY unlike me!) and work with a trainer. I now have muscle definition in places I didn't think there were muscles! And next week I will go in to see my Stylist, Eric, at Salon Daniel for a cut, color and consultation on how to do my hair for the wedding.....But TODAY will be the most challenging part of the curriculum of all! You see, today I have booked myself in to the Yellow Brick Road Holistic Clinic for a....for a....for a....COLONIC!

There! I said it...or rather typed it: COLONIC. God help me! This is not just some arbitrary choice I've made...it was suggested to me by my accupuncturist for health reasons. It has also been HIGHLY recommended to me by several friends, who shall remain nameless, as a great thing to do for your body in the spring. I have been told, "Once you get over the mental hurdle of what's happening to you - in the end you feel AMAZING, so light, and clean, and even high afterwards." After careful consideration....I figured, what the hell? Now's as good a time as any! Let's take 'spring cleaning' to the MAX!

(And I will take time to re-emphasise that this colonic biz IS all about better health, and NOT, as several friends have so ludely suggested, "because Bruce likes to play the back 9." MY GOD! The friends I have! So please, save your comments about "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it" - I've heard this all before from two pals in particular that I am ITCHING to name here, but won't. For anything OTHER than health procedures we will always be talking : EXIT ONLY!)

So I called and booked the appointment - and I was very upfront with the lady about being REALLY NERVOUS about the whole thing. And do you know what she said? She said, "Oh, don't worry...I'll make it very pleasant for you." !!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????

This BEGS the question: And just HOW do you make something like that pleasant?! This was the first thing Albert Howell asked when I shared that with him. My response: "Well, I don't know, maybe she'll play some really nice music and light a bunch on beeswax candles." To which Albert replied: " You're gonna need a LOT of fucking candles!" The only other thing I could think of is that perhaps she might offer me a teddy bear to cling to at some point.......And I can honestly say that I have NEVER seen Albert laugh so hard as he did at the thought of me, laying on my side, surrounded by hundreds of beeswax candles, listening to Enya, with a HOSE UP MY ASS, clutching a teddy bear and crying just a little bit.....Ah - True Friendship.

If I can swing it - I'm going to sneak in a cell phone and call Albert right in the middle of the whole procedure just to really BURN it into his mind!

So - that is what I have to look forward to later today. If you are reading this around 2:30pm Toronto time, pause for a moment and send me good, gentle, pleasant thoughts....And keep the giggling to a minimum!

;-)