What's In a Name?

A couple of people have emailed me recently to suggest that the time has come to change the name of my Blog.
I'm flattered that friends feel that I've evolved enough in my life to perhaps let go of the idea that I might be 'losing my mind'! This has prompted me however to explain the meaning behind my chosen Blog title...for anyone who cares, that is. All others are encouraged to stop reading, catch the next cyber wave and surf off in another direction!

"Losing My Mind - Adventures In Fear and Failure"

Losing my mind is a GOAL and not a comment on my state of mind. By 'mind', I think I mean ego - the little voice that is CONSTANTLY providing a running commentary to my life. It likes to say things like, "You don't deserve this, your teeth aren't white enough, you need to lose 10 pounds, why bother, everyone hates you, you're a bitch, it won't work out the way you want it to, your best years are behind you, give up, no one cares, you're alone, you're too old, you're not pretty enough, you're a fraud, etc...." Oh - it's quite the Monster! And interestingly enough this little voice becomes quite a BIG voice when I decide to head off on some new adventure. Anything unknown or new that makes me feel a bit fearful, or nervous, BOOM!!! In steps my 'mind' in an attempt to hold me back. And if ever I set out to do something and it doesn't turn out the way "I wanted it to!" (stomp, stomp, pout, pout!)....well then my mind throws stuff around like, " Told ya so!"

I've read lots of books that suggest the best way to quiet this voice is to meditate. So far, I've not been able to fully get into the swing of meditation. I get ants in my pants - or, I fall asleep! Mostly....I fall asleep. What I've found that helps me is to Blog while I'm off on some adventure - because often putting some of the things that run through my mind into type helps me to find humor in it, then I can see how ridiculous that voice is, have a little laugh, share it with friends and maybe give them a giggle...and the voice quiets down a bit...or rather, I lose a little bit of my mind!

The idea that my fear, or any one of my perceived 'failures' might provide me with writing material that could possibly give my pals a bit of a chuckle is my form of meditation, I guess. And, as was pointed out to me on this Blog many postings ago, when I was in despair over not finishing the Camino and feeling like a big loser it was great opportunity for me to practise what a preach as an improv teacher. "Celebrate your 'failures' - it's the only way to really learn anything, and while you're laughing the wounded ego dissipates and you're able to look around and see opportunities for growth and new adventures that you wouldn't have seen otherwise."

So - to those who have suggested a name change, I thank you for your kind words. Thus far though, while I DO feel like I'm evolving as a human being, I have not yet rid myself of that little voice. I may never get rid of it.....so, until then I am ever on a quest to face my fears, laugh at my failures and LOSE MY MIND!

R

Contest Winners...

To be fair, ladies and gentlemen, our judges are calling this a tie!

Technically Enid-Rae buzzed in FIRST, and while she was able to provide a detailed and accurate description of the person who's identity we were looking for, she was not able to provide the name.

Christy Bruce buzzed in second - but was able to provide the answer we were looking for!

What annoying, creepy, kazoo playing ex-Calgarian street performer was spotted outside the Vancouver Aquarium?

ARTY THE JESTER! Worst street act ever, banned from the Edmonton Fringe grounds and right up there with Danny the Clown!

Our judges have decided that the best thing to do in this unforseen situation is to split the prize by offering each of the lovely ladies: Dessert and a martini at a restaurant of their choosing, in their home cities. (offer valid until Dec.31, 2005)

Congratulations ladies! Well played.

Mr. Flores, we are sorely disappointed. You, of all people, should have know the answer to this Calgary trivia question.

Puzzle pieces of the Universe

Late last week young Connor Price (who plays my son, Mac, on the show), his mom, Linda, and I had the morning off from shooting so we went for breakfast at Poultry In Motion. ( NO word of a lie, that is indeed the name of the restaurant! Inspired, eh?) We had a lovely time chatting, laughing and eating...All the normal things you do when you go out for breakfast. Connor is easily one of the BEST kids I have ever met - let alone worked with! I had to ask him the other day if he EVER misbehaves at all. His reply? "Mmmm - I fight with my brothers alot, but never about anything that really matters." WOW.

Back at the hotel, in the elevator, on our way back to our rooms to get ready for pick-up, I started talking about the first commmercial I ever did. I brought it up because I had worked with two kids on it. It was a Christmas spot for Shoppers Drugmart. I was the Mom (the first stab in the heart of my youth) and they were my two little ones, a boy and a girl. These two kids will remain forever in my memory because they were polar opposites in behavior. The little girl was a NIGHTMARE. A gorgeous little thing, who I suspect had no interest in "acting", who spent the entire 10 hour shoot whining, crying and complaining - with the odd break to tuck in her chin, look up through her eye-lashes and show off her pretty, pretty hair to anyone who was looking at her. The little boy on the other hand, was a chilled out pro. He sat quietly, played his Game Boy, was focussed and worked well with the director. I remember being shocked to find out that these two kids were the same age there was such a difference between them. I also remember that the little boy already had 5 commercials under his belt and had just come off of a film where he'd worked with Jason Priestly....

As I described this little boy to Connor and Linda - Connor started nodding and smiling. He said, "That's weird. I did a movie with Jason Priestly." And then all the pieces fell into place! IT WAS CONNOR! I PLAYED HIS MOM BEFORE!! That was four years ago when he was 6 years old! We couldn't stop giggling about it. It was all VERY weird! (of course I hope the trend continues: Connor's mom in my first commercial, Connor's mom in my first TV show....might I play his mom in my first movie someday?)

More chatting on set has revealed that Dan Payne (who plays my husband) - who was a professional volley ball player before becoming an actor,... lived in Calgary and went to U of C - and not only had the same agent as me in Calgary, but is also friends with Dave Lawrence (star of FUBAR) who I dated 11 years ago.

David Schmidt, who is one of our writers and a friend from Calgary, sent me an email MONTHS ago sharing the news that he had been hired as a writer on some show. He was thrilled because it was to be his biggest writing job yet. Being a desperate actor, I sent an email back asking if there were any roles for ME on his new show. Alas, he didn't think there were any characters in my age range. The show?: Alice, I Think!!!

My good friend Enid-Rae Adams (fabulous actor) came to visit me in my hotel room when I was flown out for call backs for Alice, I Think. She was frustrated about not having work, and not being able to sell her car....but she was none the less looking to buy a new lap-top and even had some flyers with her that we looked at. A month later she called with the news that she had been hired to work as a production assistant on Alice, I Think! And I was quick to point out that this was obviously the reason her car didn't sell - because she was going to need it for the hour long drive from Vancouver to Langley everyday. AND - she needed her own lap-top for the job.

Looking back now it's easy to connect the dots and feel amazed that they led to where I am now. I would never have guessed four years ago that I would ever see that well behaved little boy again. There's no way of knowing in the moment - or is there? MAYBE I should be looking at each moment and exchange as puzzle piece that I'm laying down in a picture that I have yet to understand.

And here's a final piece for the Calgarians: On Saturday Dan, Linda, Connor and I (along with Joel, who plays Wing, and his Mom, Pam) went to the Vancouver Aquarium.......

.....WHO, WHO, WHO ,dear friends, was standing outside the entrance to the Aquarium, wearing FLIPPERS, making BALLOON ANIMALS, playing KAZOO and generally CREEPING people out????

I will buy a nice dinner for the first person to place my final puzzle piece by posting the CORRECT answer below!

R
....remember, the universe moves in mysterious ways!
(and happy belated birthday Gregg! Thanks for the kind words!)

Crossing Over....

When did it happen? How did it happen? Is there any way to go back?

I have crossed over that invisible line that divides young, hip cool people from sad, embarrassing "older people". God help me!

It began to dawn on me when we shot the infamous "bra and panties" scene early last week. Imagine me in a pair of high heels, black panties and an egg-plant coloured bra striding around the set with a plate of Earth Clods (for our purposes Earth Clods are meant to be healthy, vegan desserts but are in fact Two-Bite Brownies that have been squashed into lumpy balls....not to be confused with Sweet Dink Balls!). The purpose of this scene? To embarrass and humiliate my "teen aged daughter". Hilarious right? How awful to see your "Mom" in her gaunch!....Until I paused a moment mid giggle fit to realise that...I AM THE MOM WE'RE LAUGHING ABOUT HERE!

Well, I could have let that one go in time - until another nail was hammered into the lid of my self-assumed hip-ness...

We just shot a scene where Lori Triolo (who plays my friend Geraldine)and I crash a Hoar Hound gig. (on the show, Alice's dad is in a band called the Hoar Hounds) We make our way to the front of the crowd and dance to the band's version of, what's the song called?...you know..."Gone, gone, gone she been gone so long, she been gone, gone, gone so long...". Anyhow - after one of the takes Carlie (who's playing Alice) says to me, "Oh my God your dancing is hilarious. My Mom took me to a Chilliwack concert last year and you dance just like all the ladies who were at that concert."

Perhaps I could have shared in Carlie's laughter if I had been trying to dance like "one of those ladies" in an attempt at a bit of physical comedy. Truth be told though, I was in fact dancing the way I dance. I dance like a MOM???!!!! How is this possible? I'll admit to having been an awkward teen who was never a stand out in any dance class unless I was tripping, bumping into others, or hitting myself in the head with props...But, as an adult, I am now much more comfortable in my body and feel that I've really refined my personal dance style in the last 10 years. But NO - in the eyes of a 16 year old girl: I DANCE LIKE A MOM.

It's weird. In my mind, I don't feel all that much older than Carlie. Well, ok, maybe I feel a bit older than 16 - but I like to pride myself on being a cool chick who can just as easily hang out with the kids and with the parents....Not so. When I wasn't looking I stepped over that LINE and in the eyes of teens everywhere...I could very well earn comments like, "Who brought their Mom to the gig?".

I thought 30 was the new 20.....Ah, well...maybe this is all part of my Christ Year Crusifiction....either that, or my resurrection is a little more painful than I thought it would be.

;-)

Giving Thanks...

Bruce and I were feeling a bit down about missing our "Calgary" Thanks Giving dinner at the Ranch this year. Packing up and heading off to the DK Ranch/ Powder Room for turkey and a drunken round of "One Thing I Hate About You" has become a real heart warming tradition. Terra and Ryan play Mom & Dad, Albert and I play Grandpa and Grandma, Bruce is Grandma's "special friend", and Christy is the "drunk aunt" - all the delights of a family affair where people seem to like each other more than actual family members! In lieu of this we were lucky enough to be invited for turkey with the Oldrings! (for those who weren't aware, Peter Oldring's Mom and Dad live out in White Rock.)

What a TREAT!

We got to meet Peter's Grandma and Grandpa (Lil and Tom) who have been married for SIXTY ONE YEARS!!! (And, watch your back Peter because your nephew Austin will be nipping at your professional comedy heels VERY soon!) I asked Lil if she had any advice for Bruce and I after her 61 years of married life. She said, "No."....and then went on to say, "Well, if you love each other and you get along that's all that matters. I would do it all over again the same way if I was given the choice - and I was married at 18 years old and had three kids by the time I was 25." Peter's Grandpa said, "She caught my eye when she was 18, and I buy her chocolates once in a while to keep her sweet."

Carmen Grant was out for the weekend and a little visit. We all went for brunch this morning and discussed wedding plans. Carmen has been a good friend of both Bruce and myself for 10 years - and she will be officiating our wedding in the spring. What fun! (although - strange to be making all of these plans when Bruce has YET to propose!....we're unconventional I guess!) A large part of our ceremony will involve giving thanks to the many people that have impacted out lives - so this was a perfect weekend to be discussing it.

On Saturday evening we sampled a bit of White Rock "night life" by crossing the street and going to the Sandpiper Pub. It was packed! As we made our way to the door Bruce said, "Excuse me", to a man who was easily in his mid-forties who relpied, "Why? Didja FART?!" Weeeeeee!!!! Saturday is Karaoke night at the Sandpiper so we were keen to toss our hats in the ring, of course. While we waited for our songs to come up we found a table to sit at up front, right on the edge of the dance floor. What an amazing mix of people! Somehow the Sandpiper has managed to transcend generational segregation (perhaps through the universal appeal of Karaoke?) and caters to a clientel of people ranging in age from 19 - 65, SERIOUSLY! And they all take turns at Karaoke too! Between tunes the DJ plays music to get the kids up dancing and the old folks join in shaming the rest of us with their dance step prowess. I ran into Mr. "Didjafart" when I went up to the bar to get drinks. He very purposefully bumped into me and then slurred, "Oh, sssry, did I bump you?"

Me: Yeah. You did.
Mr. Didjafart: Sssry. Didn't mean to bump you.
(bumps into me again while I'm looking right at him)
Mr.Didjafart: Oh, ssssry. Bumped you again.
Me: That's fine.
Mr. Didjafart: Did I bump you, or did you bump me?
Me:(dripping sarcasm) Gee - I don't know. Maybe I bumped you.
Mr. Didjafart: Oh yeah? Didja bump me for a ssspcific reason?
Me; No. No I didn't.
Mr. Didjafart: Well then......(staggers away)

This encounter was almost as delightful as the exchange Bruce had while trying to push past the crowded bar to get to the washroom:

Bruce: (realising his way is blocked by a gal with her back to him, he turns to the cougar at the bar) This isn't going to happen, is it?
Cougar: Well, it might if I spread my legs. ( spreads her legs open to create a path to the washroom for Bruce to squeeze into!)

Carmen was also asked to cut a rug by a gentleman in his 60's who looked delighted to be leading her around the dance floor.

All in all - a wonderful White Rock weekend with friends, surrogate family, (and White Rock singles) to be thankful for!

Wednesday it's back to work for me....and fingers crossed that the BC teacher's strike will be over soon so that Bruce can go back out on tour ASAP!

That's it for now....

R

Pain is Pain....

It's a blustery Sunday here in White Rock.

I've just returned from a long walk in the rain. Tomorrow is the last day of shooting "Block B". It's been a bit more relaxed as we were only shooting two episodes in this block vs. the three we shot in the last block. I was fortunate enough to be allowed to sit in on a bit of editing on Friday...(which I was told they would never let a "normal" actor do but I seem to have, "more self-confidence than your average actor and behave like a real person instead of a child." So, I'm proud to be thought abnormal and am happy to report that the show looks pretty damn good! And, because I am in fact a normal actor on some level, I only had a few nervous twitches at seeing myself on camera. I don't think I need to do it again though....There are some things that it just seems improper to witness yourself doing from the outside. It's not natural.

I continue to get to know the crew. What a wonderful bunch of people! I had a most interesting chat with our Focus Puller last week. ( it's Larry's job to keep everthing in focus at all times. A much more difficult job than one might imagine - and I'm told he's worth his weight in gold!) Anyhow - Larry is one of those people who always seems to have a twinkle in his eye. He's always got a witty comment to make and, I think, often looks like he's up to something. An all around fun guy to be working with. So, I said as much to him the other day and commented on his positive attitude. Larry proceeded to tell me that he hadn't always have a good attitude tha,t in fact, he used to be quite a negative guy - but he's met a few shamen in the last few years who helped straightened him out a bit. He said he came to realise that life is short and it's what you make of it - so whether you have a good time, or a bad time, it's your choice. He also went on to say that once he came to understand that "human pain is the same, no matter what the cause of it is", that he really learned to chill out. I had to ask him to explain what he meant by the "pain is pain"-thing. Larry said, " Too many people think the pain that they are going through, or have gone through, is GREATER than any other person's pain, but that's not true. The pain that I felt when my mother was murdered was just as great for me in the moment I found out as is the pain a child feels in the moment it sees it's dog run over. In that moment of experiencing the pain - it's the SAME pain.

Now - I of course had to back track at that moment and find out if Larry's Mom had in fact been murdered, or if he was just using that as an example. It was no example. Larry's mother was murdered when he was 23 years old. (I didn't ask for details.) He went on to explain that afterward he adopted his two younger sisters who were 11, and 13 at the time. (!!!!!!!!) They lived with him for a few years before they decided to move back in with other family members. Larry said what he's most proud of is that his sisters both got through high school with good grades and never got pregnant. Not bad for a big brother doing a BIG job!!!

After our little chat I couldn't help thinking, "Wow, and I thought losing my Mom to cancer was bad.".....but that's missing Larry's point! The pain we've had in our lives isn't a competition - and yet we seem to want to make it into one. Why is that?
(Is the pain that Americans went through over 9/11 any greater than the pain that the rest of the world has gone through? They certainly seem to think so - and would have the rest of us believe the same!) If Larry can look at the pain of a child losing a pet dog as being equal to the pain of losing his mother - then that puts him in a prime place to practise EMPATHY...as opposed to making it into a competition and in so doing, belittling someone else's pain. Maybe that's what that twinkle in his eye is! Larry knows on some level that we're all the same and it allows him to relax and have a good time, to have a good attitude....because once you survive some of the pain that life has to dish out - everything else seems pretty light and fun! TWINKLE, TWINKLE!

Anyhow - there are some thoughts for a rainy day. Thanks for the eye openner Larry! TV show whatever!!!

R