The Void...

And so it begins.
The Void.
The vast emptiness that an actor faces once a show has closed - exacerbated by the absence of my fiance.

I have never been one who has dealt well with free time. I have always looked for ways to fill it up. When I have no gig, and the day stretches before me - I feel guilty. I feel anxious. I feel BAD for not working, working, working...And, I have come to realise that what I like BEST about working is someone else imposing a schedule on me, even though I may grumble about it when the alarm clock goes off. I'm like a child - and the tighter the parameters, the better. Ah - routine. This should come as no shock to me - I did, after all, listen to the same cassette tape in my 1987 Mercury, Lynx for THREE YEARS IN A ROW. (Thank you Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians! "Shooting Rubber Bands at the Stars" was the sound track for a significant portion of my teen years! "What I am, IS what I am, Are you what you are? Or what?" Brilliant!)

My love of routine is also what attracts me to the theatre, I think. I take comfort in the ritual of showing up at the theatre every night, putting on make-up, getting cinched into a corset (more tight parameters!)...and then telling the story again, and again. (Not that it's not "the first time every time"...there are always variables...but there's still a routine.)

Now, suddenly, I am back in the daily grind -which, for an unemployed actor, consists of waking up, eating, hoping your agent will call....looking at all the house work you could be doing...and then calling a friend for brunch and a matinee movie instead. Sounds like Heaven, doesn't it? Maybe for a while....

But, I'm also figuring out that I spend a lot of time looking for activities to distract me from "being in the moment", as it were.
I made a resolution this year to call my friends a little less, and to spend more time at home. There's SOMETHING at home that I want to escape, that I'm constantly looking to avoid, to distract myself from. The Void.

The Void is not the best description though - because it's not like there's NOTHING there. If there was NOTHING...then I wouldn't be trying to avoid it....right?

I think what it is...Is that I'm uncomfortable being alone with myself. Not when I go to a movie alone, or go shopping, or I watch television (because those are more mind numbing distractions)....but when I commit to sitting at home in silence for a bit, not checking my email, no phone calls, etc....I feel really awkward! In the silence are FEELINGS that I'd rather not feel. In the silence there is CREATIVITY that I'm too judgmental to express. In the silence is MYSELF and I'm not sure how well I like her...But then, how would I know? I hardly ever spend any time with her.

(Oh!!!! And even as I type all of this that little voice is getting louder" Wanky, esoteric, flaky, bullshit! How embarrassing! You're really going to put those thoughts out there? LOSER! Keep it to yourself!)

We live is this world where everyone is always DOING something. Do, do, do...work, work, work...come home, watch TV, sleep, do it all over again...Avoid. Distract. Repress. BLOG!

Hm.

How often do you just hang out with friends, where you're not DOING something? What if we couldn't "go out for dinner", or "meet for coffee"? How would people relate to each other without the comforting, distracting routine of being served a meal, or putting cream and sugar in our coffees? CRAZY! Imagine hooking up with a friend, with no table between you, no waitress to provide breaks and pauses, no spoons to fiddle with....That seems like it might be a bit awkward too! So - what are those routines helping us to avoid in our friendships then?

Maybe the fear is that, without these routines and distractions, we might actually have to connect - God forbid, we might actually say what's in our hearts - instead of reviewing the plot of the movie we just saw! And THEN where would we be?

In the last few days while I have tried to sit in The Void - yes, there have been many times when I've jumped up and checked my email, or made a phone call....But when I've been firm with myself, and told myself to breathe....I have been flooded with sadness - and then I cried and it passed. I have been totally overcome by creativity and have put on music and painted, I've done yoga...and I have breathed, and breathed , and breathed. I have felt lonely and been sad about it, lonely and been pissed off about it - and breathing helped that pass too. OH - and I have been flooded with fear and paranoia...and breathing has helped that pass too.

So - while I wait for another job to come ( because they do come and I know this, though I often forget)...I am sitting IN The Void, instead trying to avoid it. Hm. Weird : avoid. A - Void. I'm connecting with myself...And, maybe once I've better connected with myself - I won't be nervous about calling up a friend and asking them to meet me on a park bench...to just sit. Sit and breathe...and see what comes up....Ha!!!

HA!!! I just realised: to sit in The Void for so long that I DO connect with myself, and get to know her...and come to a place where I can HONESTLY say:

"What I am, IS what I AM!", and ask, "Are you what you are? Or what?"

Thanks Edie! It only took THREE YEARS of repetition and FIFTEEN YEARS of gestation!!! Ah, well..." I'm not aware of too many things...."

I'll stop now!
;-)

There's Hope For Me Yet...

This morning I attended my first ever ACTRA conference...well, I attended half of it. I got up bright and early and made my way to the U of T campus to enjoy a "complementary breakfast" offered to me by the association that I pay a LOT of dues to. Fruit. Coffee. Tea. TONS of muffins and cakes...Not too bad, I guess. Then I made my way to my first session: "Making Choices" with casting director, Gail Carr. Now - this session was a "Master Class"...which meant there was an early regisration process where 10 actors were selected to act as "guinea pigs" during the class. I was one of them and ended up having to do a scene from Zoe Buseck. Fun times. The scene went well. Comments were made by all - OH how actors LOVE to talk, talk, talk, talk....In the end though, I have to say that Gail Carr was fantastic! What a positive woman - who loves her job and really digs actors and wants to see us all do well. This was a great thing to learn/ be reminded of. The person on the other side of the table is NOT the enemy. I know this from having sat on the other side of the table myself a few times. When an actor comes through the door - damn it, you want them the be their best! It's was nice to hear a casting director say the same thing....

I was signed up to attend a session in the afternoon about actors and TAXES: what you can legally write off ( a good class for me to take considering that Bruce and I went to the BIGGEST SCHIESTER of an accountant last year...Oh, I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the audit fan (please god, don't let it happen, please...))...but it all seemed a little too much like school to me - so I SKIPPED! Ah! What a GREAT feeling! I always LOVED skipping in high school and University...and always got away with it too. ( I had 49 unexcused absences in ONE semester in grade 11 and it was NEVER mentioned to me. Bad ass kids were getting expelled for far less than I! I was in tight with the teachers though and able to charm my way through the education system...)

So - did I skip to go smoke, or hook up with my boyfriend, or get home early and catch my favorite soap? NOPE! I skipped and went to the Whole Food Market to do a little organic shopping. THAT's how I know I'm not a teenager anymore. (Yes - ok, there are other things that indicate I'm not longer a teen...but I will say that last week while buying a ticket at Greyhound I got asked "student, or adult?" Yeah!!!) After about two hours of wandering around in a whole food bliss, I packed my canvas shopping bags and headed out to Bloor to catch a cab....

After a few short minutes I was picked up by "Luka", a Russian cab driver who looked to be in his 60s. Luka wasted NO time in striking up a conversation with me. It went something like this: (please image a heavy Russian accent for Luka's lines)

Luka: You look to have an excellent physical body. I love to exercise too.
Me: What do you mean?
Luka: You are tall...and strong looking - but your shoulders are not too big. Everything is in the right proportion.
Me:(laughing) Oh! Well, uh, thanks.
Luka: Me - I go to the Y four, maybe six times a week. I run. I swim. Oh - I wish I had started 40 years ago. But - if you love your self...then you go. You go to the gym. What kind of exercise you do?
Me: I walk a lot and do some yoga
Luka: Ah - yoga is so good for flexibility...and posture. You, you have very good posture. What do you do for your job?
Me: I'm an actor.
Luka: Ah! I think you should be a good actor.
Me: Why's that?
Luka: You are very normal looking.
Me: I'm "normal" looking?
Luka: Yes. One time I had this lady actor from that show...Street Legal. What is her name? Sonja?
Me: Sonja Smitts?
Luka: That's her. She's not so nice looking. Not normal at all. You - you have the best of both. This good body and so normal at the same time. One other lady from Street Legal - she look so sexy on the show...then I see her, and in person, NO - not sexy at all.
Me: Well...this is where I'm getting out.
Luka: Ok! Well, you join the Y and I will see you there!

From Luka's mouth to God's ears! I'm normal and fit looking....And you know, this afternoon before I went shopping...I went into TWO different gyms on Yonge Street to take a tour and find out about joining 'cause I haven't been feeling fit lately...From God's mind to Luka's mouth maybe?

There's hope for me yet.....

;-)

And....Curtain!

And almost as quickly as it began....it's over. We closed The Yalta Game & The Bear on Saturday night. I think a good time was had by all. The audiences who came were small - but enthusiastic (not to mention FAR larger than some of the audiences that I have grown accustomed to in the Toronto imrpov community. I have been so humbled in the last four years that any more than 10 in an audience and I'm practically weeping with gratitude! The Stratford guys are used to audiences beyond my wildest dreams...The Festival Theatre holds 1800!!!! Can you imagine? At that size, 600 seems like a let down. Perspective is everything!)

I had a good time, and it was so nice to be back in the theatre. I've missed it. And I'm happy to say I've made a new pal. Thom Marriott is indeed a "good egg" and a funny one at that....And to help set him better in your minds, for those of you in the know, he is what I would describe as "Stratford's Len Stanga". Of course, NO ONE could ever replace Len Stanga in any way, shape, or form...but these two could pass for brothers in looks and in temperament. (sorry Len, but he does have a WAY deeper voice than you...even deeper than Horak's maybe...)

Closing night saw Thom and I on our own (because Brian, Leslie, Doug and Ann had other things to do). We painted The Paddock red (because the whole of Toronto was just too overwhelming) with the help of Albert Howell. Oh!!! And we also saw SNAKE, from Degrassi. I could hardly contain my excitement I'm such a HUGE Degrassi fan. I didn't want to make a fool of myself though...so I stayed put and only glanced over my shoulder a few times. Thom and "Grandma" shut down the bar though...which I think may even have been a first for me (in Toronto...I'm not counting the few times I shut down the Ship and Anchor in Calgary...It was always so awkward to be there when the fluorescents got turned on!)

So I am now back in Toronto facing the prospect of NEVER working again for the rest of my life. Isn't' it always thus? For the moment I am happy just being back home and relaxing a bit. I've been going almost non-stop since September. Feast or famine, feast or famine....

Bruce has been gone since Jan.2 ...and won't be back until March 30th! Curse "going where the work is"! At least we miss each other...and I'm getting stuff done around the house...Today I'm hanging curtains. Yes - the excitement is non-stop...

OH!!! Yesterday I went to "Listen Up Canada" and had a free hearing test! I went because Bruce has been saying for a while now that he thinks I'm losing my hearing - I often have to ask him to repeat himself. It's always been my belief that he's a mumbler....So, I endured the discomfort of having long, foam covered wires pushed into my ears - WAY past the point of the Q-tip safety zone even - and listened as best I could. There was a point where I was quite nervous when we did the test to see how much I'm affected by background noise. They play something that sounds like static in your ear...and then at the same time you're to listen for a man's voice and try to repeat the words he says. Well...I could hear the static no problem - but I could NOT hear any man talking. As the minutes ticked by I got more and more nervous...I envisioned myself having to get hearing aids and how this would only further embellish my reputation of being a "Grandma".....Then, I think just as I was on the verge of tears...the "audiologist" came over the head-set to let me know that one of the CD players wasn't working so she'd have to do the talking live. CHRIST!!! In the end, the results of my test? Bruce is mumbler! I have totally NORMAL hearing! Yeah!!! I have "slight" hearing loss in my left ear, but still within the normal range and only on one of the higher frequencies...(most likely as a result of a fellow actor shooting one of the BIG guns right next to my ear during a schmooze in the courtroom of the Deanne House many, many years ago...a whole other story...but let me just say that the gun was SO close to me that I also got powder burns on my FACE!)

Speaking of many, many years ago - I was interviewed for the University of Calgary's Alumni Magazine last week. Weird! I wonder if that means I'm successful....? Who reads Alumni Magazine? Anyone out there? I was a bit weirded out to discover that the U of C still knows how to track me down..Good God...I graduated 10 years ago. Help me.....

I just realised, this March 4th will also be the 10 year anniversary of my Mom's death. Now THAT is a tough one to wrap my mind around. I still have a hard time fully understanding that I'm never going to SEE her again. Unfortunately I rarely dream about her.....Wow - yeah, this time last year we had just brought Mom home from palliative care and our whole world was insane. I was also in the midst of my first professional job at ATP's playRites Festival in the WORST play ever. All very surreal. Little did we know on Feb. 21, 1996 that Mom would only live another two weeks...

Time flies friends. We go through things that we think might kill us...and 10 years later life isn't as bad as we imagined it might be....and, to err on the side of cheesy...every "curtain" is the beginning of something else. Unknown....here I come!

R

Touchy Feely

Well - I am officially affection starved.
Bruce has been gone for over a month and I have caught myself being ridiculously physical with strangers. NOT that I'm molesting people - far from it - but I did end up in a bar after our opening the other night and every person I was introduced to, I found myself looking for excuses to touch them. (God - I sound so CREEPY right now!) Look, I'm not talking about anything inappropriate - an extra long hand shake, a touch on the arm to punctuate a moment of empathy - nothing more! Desperate times call for desperate measures, don't they? Fortunately I was at the 'actor bar' in Stratford....so naturally it was full of actors, who are touchy feely at the best of times, so my pilfering from the buffet of human contact went unnoticed I think!

I did finally settle in at rehearsals and now that the plays are open, I'm really having a lot of fun. Not only are Brian and Thom talented actors - but they are both delightful human beings who are a pleasure to work with. Thom has turned out to be quite a 'buddy'. There was an evening where he and his wife had some folks over to their house (and I was invited!)...and he gave me a hard time and teased me...and that was it, I thought, "I like this guy." There's no better way to win my affections than to give me a hard time. ( A residual hold over from when I liked to date slightly disinterested assholes maybe?....also, my family likes to tease to no end...so I dig it, it makes me laugh!) It seems such a shame that we're only doing 10 shows. Everyone involved has been so wonderful and so full of love for the theatre. Having been immersed in such a jaded community the last few years - it's been a real treat to surface and find there are people who are so into what they're doing.

The Macrobiotic experiment went well. A TON of work, though it did get easier....One weekend I came home for my day off and ate a BLT with a fried egg on it -and paid dearly for it! Oh...my poor, poor stomache! Well - I'm venturing further down the alternative eating path now. In Guelph I happened upon a Raw Food restaurant. I can happily say it was some of the BEST food I've ever eaten. So - I have purchased some RAW "un-Cooked" books and I think for the next month I'm going to play with raw foods. As I type there are nut patties drying in the oven (because I don't own a dehydrator). It's all so foreign to my white trash roots. To think that there was a time when my fav sneaky treat with to slather a slice of Wonder Bread with margerine and sprinkle it with white sugar, squish it into a ball and microwave it (my poor girl's Tim Bit)!!!! I wouldn't be surprised if those Rundle Tim Bits were still stuck to the inside of my intestines somewhere!

Anyhow - there's my update for now...Stay tuned...

R