My Boyfriend's Back...

Bruce returned home last night after THREE months of absence. PHEW!

And what a man:! He climbed the stairs to our apartment with a back pack on one shoulder, a guitar on the other, and roses in his hands for me....

It's so strange to see someone again after missing them for so long. There is a sensation of the surreal. Your mind and body have spent so long LONGING for them...only to get used to them not being around...and then suddenly, there they are walking up the stairs as though it was only yesterday that you watched them walk down. Time, that previously seemed so drawn out, comes crashing in on you and you feel three months compress in an instant, taking your breath away.

I was as amazed as Bruce was when I burst into tears!

We spent the next few hours, neither of us able to sit still, pacing around the apartment talking, talking, talking...Catching up on the things that only make sense in person. Amazingly we both slept well - which usually doesn't happen after we've been apart for so long. Now we enter into a phase of getting reacquainted - hoping that we still like each other, that we haven't changed so much as to be unrecognizable to the other! Not one to run out and marry a total stranger, I've requested that Bruce take the next 3 weeks to woo me....or I might not marry him! He seems keen to step up to the plate! We're having our "first date" tomorrow. I've been invited out for coffee on Toronto Island!

This morning we had brunch with 10 friends, the usual characters, to welcome Bruce home and bid farewell to Derek Flores. He's retired from the Second City (unscathed) and is off to do a three week Second City cruise ( maybe you never actually get out...like the MOB). I won't see Derek now until he arrives in Calgary to co-MC our wedding.....And THEN, thanks to Loose Moose, Bruce, Derek and I are off to Norway for our honeymoon!

Yes...well, I should explain! Loose Moose has been invited to a theatre festival in Oslo. Derek and I are joining fellow Moosers Shawn Kinley and Robbie M. to go and "represent". Initially we were meant to be accompanied by Steve McKidd as our sound improviser...but he had to back out. Bruce was invited to take his place....And we jumped at the opportunity for a FREE honeymoon!

I'll admit that I never pictured sharing my honeymoon with Derek Flores...but he is one of my oldest and best friends...and I've no doubt it will prove amusing! Also, I have the sinking feeling that Derek will be moving to New Zealand very soon to follow a romantic path...maybe even settle down....And while I am thrilled at my friend's courage in following his heart, I cannot help but feel sad at the thought of seeing him go. A honeymoon with Bruce and Derek will be a "hello" to married life with Bruce, and a "farewell" to an ugly, little man who occupies a very dear place in my heart.

I saw an amazing psychic a few years ago ( save your comments, even if you're not a believer...it's always great to pay someone to talk about YOU!).....who told me that one of the reasons I came back in this lifetime is to deal with abandonment, or rather the FEELING of abandonment. I'd say that my soul has done a great job of placing me in 'abandonment's path'. In following my bliss I've chosen a career which has led me to friends and a partner who are always leaving me!

So far....it still breaks my heart...But, I am learning that people who leave sometimes come back, and the most painful of absences can be erased in the time it takes to climb a flight of stairs.

Lord of the BORings!

Last night I attended a preview performance of the "World Premiere" of Lord of the Rings. I managed to score some cheap tickets ($55/each) through underground connections, and so found myself in the company of the lovely Audrey Dwyer, the delightful and pregnant Claire Jullien, and the charming( if not bratty) Thom Marriott. A fantastic crew to be seeing an evening of theatre with!

I will admit that I arrived with low expectations, but high hopes. Word has been on the street for sometime that the show is running at just under FOUR HOURS...and as someone who has to pee every 45 minutes, I was a bit worried from the outset. Also, four hours of anything is too long in my books. Audrey and I came prepared though with bags full of organic, sugar free treats....and I brought a giant flask of SCOTCH. One can never have too much scotch, and yes, I drink mine neat.

Thom and Claire had to boot it in from Stratford after Thom's rehearsal. We cut it a little close, so we missed the 'pre-show' which I hear consisted of a large group of Hobbits singing, skipping and chasing butterflies with giant nets. I'm sorry to have missed that because there is nothing I like better than seeing little people with hairy feet frolicking in the forrest. It warms the cockles of my heart.....

Anyhow....In spite of my negative headline, there are plenty of positive things to say about this little TWENTY SEVEN MILLION DOLLAR production of Lord of the Rings! Our Canadian actors more than hold their own up there, in particular Michael Therriault who plays Gollum! I cannot say enough about this incredibly talented actor! I can't remember ever having seen such an amazing, physical performance. It is such a JOY to see only the character, the actor having totally disappeared inside the mask. He steals the show, without question, and is worth even the full price of admission.

Carly Street as Arwen is lovely and I wish there were MORE of her throughout.

Paul Pyant is the lighting designer and his lights don't steal the show, they ARE the show! Lord of the Rings is one seriously impressive light show. His design borders on three dimentional and is truly magical. You really feel at though you are looking in on another world. I would not be surprised if he wins some sort of award.

And, as we all expected, the SPECTACLE of this production is impressive. Throughout, there are some truly wonderful stage pictures and theatrical effects. It is always nice to be reminded that the simplest of theatrical devices are often the most impressive: dark, hooded figures holding long wooden poles become a moving forrest for hobbits to travel through, stretched fabric becomes a raging river that swallows the Black Riders, a trap door opens and Frodo disappears when he puts on the ring....clean, simple, timeless theatrical tradition.

So where does this production fall down?

It comes apart where everything is this world comes apart: in simple human relationships, or in this case, Hobbit, Elvin and Wizard relationships. There are fine actors in this production but there is NO MEAT for any of them to sink their teeth into. With so much emphasis in the spectacle and epic vastness of trying to squeeze this tale into one evening of theatre director/writer Matthew Warchus loses what is fundamental to all dramatic action: we need to see one person be CHANGED by another, or be changed by their experiences. Where is the hero's journey? Whose story is it? Frodo's? In this "Cole's Notes" version of the story God help you if you haven't seen the movie, or read the books, because you'll have no idea what's going on, let alone who it is you're meant to follow through the story. There are simply far too many plot points to rush through, leaving no time for any relationship to be established, never mind be changed through the course of events.

Lord of the Rings has strong themes of friendship, loyalty, personal sacrifice, internal struggle between the soul and the ego, the rise of industrialism and the need for environmentalism. Where are these themes in this production? Where are the STAKES?! When Frodo makes the difficult and BRAVE decision to carry the Ring to Fire Mountain....he is blocked to be facing UPSTAGE!!!!!!!!!!??????????

Alas, the most fundamental of theatrical traditions: STORY TELLING is lost, buried under too much spectacle, diluted by songs that are NOT emotionally motivated and that do NOT move the plot forward in anyway. The result? I did not care about ANY of the characters ( save Gollum because M.Therriault's talent eclipses the flimsiest of scripts so that you cannot help but fall in love with him)....and if you don't care about the characters, then you certainly don't care what happens to them, and in my books that equals BOREDOM. If Matthew Warchus did not care enough to invest time in the development of character and relationship, the only two things that we can TRULY connect and identify with as audience members, then why should I? It is not enough to hit the plot points. One has to ask WHY is this plot point included in the first place? HOW does is EFFECT and CHANGE our hero(s)? If you cannot answer those questions then they should be cut.

Watching Lord of the Rings, sadly, was like watching four hours of fireworks. The first 40 minutes make you "oh" and "ah", and after that the spectacular explosions all look the same and you are left wondering what the point of it all is. If all you're after is light hearted, frivolous spectacle to distract you from the worries of you life for a little while - there's no problem. But if, after the initial enchantment wears of,f you yearn for substance...in this production you will only find it in those places that your mind fills in the gaps with what you know of the books, or the film. Too bad.

It will be interesting to see what the critics have to say in the papers. There is a LOT riding on this little show. Toronto needs a hit right now - the actors are talented and the spectacle is undeniable - both earmarks of a successful production...But will any of them have the courage to come forward and ask where the heart and soul of Tolkien's work is? I'm not sure....and, I'm not even sure if I'd want them to....because, I'd like to see Toronto knock one out of the ball park after SARS and the black-out and God knows what else that's damaged tourism in this town....And I'd like to see a few Canadian actors get stinking rich and buy themselves houses and be able to look back and say, "I was in that show".....And so, for the sake of a community that really needs a win, in spite of my venom and sadness around core of this production, I might be inclined to fall in line with everyone else and nod and say,

"Yes - the Emperor IS wearing clothes"

....but then again, I'm a shit disturber and I did lose FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE last night....I'm just glad I was with good friends and a mickey of scotch because those two things can make everything seem OK in the end, and to quote Duv Lang, "It's just a fucking play".

Sister Act!

What a GREAT weekend I had!

For the first time ever, my little sister, Christine, came to Toronto to hang out with her 'big sister' and have a 'sister's weekend'.
What's the big deal you may ask? Well, it's not that it was the first time Chris ever came to Toronto....It was, in fact, the first time that we have ever spent time alone together!

WEIRD?

Maybe....I should explain...

Christine and I have the same father, but different mothers - nothing scandalous in this day and age. My father remarried when I was 11...and not long afterwards Christine was born, giving me the little sister I always wished I'd had. (Chris's birth was followed not long afterwards by the birth of Patrick who was the cutest, chubbiest faced little boy ever!) Unfortunately my Dad and his "new family" moved away to Ottawa when I was around 15...and, though we have often spoken on the phone, there has been little actual "in-person-contact" over the years....

FFWD to 2006: I have asked Christine to be one of my bride's maids at the wedding. (Well, truth be told she will be the ONLY maid as Christy Bruce and my sister-in-law are both married, making them MATRONS - a fact I enjoy rubbing Christy's nose in, and have even gone so far as to suggest that she might wear some sort of "MATRONLY" style dress, complete with gunt and saggy breasts. I don't think she's going to comply...which I may throw a hissy fit about because, IT'S MY DAY GODDAMN IT!) So, Christine came to town this past weekend to find a dress (we're all wearing vintage)...and to hang with me, big sister, for the first time ever.

What a TREAT! I was nervous leading up to it, I have to say. I'm 33, Chris is 22....My God, what if I'm not cool?! Well, one thing I can say for certain is that my little sister has enough cool for the entire family! I took her out to brunches and dinners with the gang, (Albert, Derek, Christy & Paul,..even Hashm Nasser made an appearance)...And initially I was concerned. I love my friends to bits...but there is no denying that as a group we are a gregarious bunch who find ourselves infinitely amusing, clever, and hilarious. On more than one occasion I have seen perfectly friendly adults left in the lurch of the overwhelming personalities that make up our gang. Christine more than held her own and gave back just as much sass as she was dealt. I saw her make Albert Howell laugh out loud more than once (no mean feat!) , much to his surprise and enjoyment.

We are similar in many ways, which brought me a strange sense of pride and connection, but she is also so much her own person: confident, funny, open, friendly and positive. A real joy to be around and a very interesting young woman. It was fascinating to hear her speak of our Dad. The man she described was often very different from the father that I know....But then I realised that she has spent more time with him and knows him better. I had a father for 9 years before the divorce, and then a week-end Dad for 6 more...Christine has simply had more exposure. She has left me keen to get to know those other sides of Dad a little better....

I feel so blessed to have a sister in the world. There are many things we didn't get the chance to share growing up on opposite sides of the country, with 11 years separating us....But it's a real treat to be at the threshold of a new relationship now, as adults, when it is our CHOICE and not just a matter of circumstance.

I can't wait to see her at the wedding.
I can't wait to see her for another weekend.
I can't wait...
I have a sister, and that is a GREAT feeling!

;-)

The Most Difficult Words...

It happened to me AGAIN this year!

As I mentioned in an earlier blog entry, March 5 is the anniversary of my Mom's death, and TODAY is the TEN YEAR anniversary.

The first year was definitely the most difficult - a time I thought I might not actually survive - but after the 1st anniversary passed something happened to me....On the 2nd anniversary my good friend Christian called me from England in the middle of the afternoon. We chatted for a while and finally he said, "Well, I know this is a big day for you so I just wanted to call and see how you were doing." I had NO IDEA what he was talking about! And so, in the most kind and gentle manner, Christian reminded me that March 5th was the anniversary of my Mom's death.

WEIRD!

Every year since then, invariably someone else reminds me of the "importance" of the date in question and I gasp, shocked that I may have almost missed the passing of this solemn milestone yet again.

What is this lack of memory all about? Certainly not a lack of respect or love of my mother! I like to think that it's a positive sign...that I'm doing OK, getting on with my life, that I've done a LOT of healing....And just what IS an anniversary anyway? Any given day, or moment in time...has no inherent meaning other than what we assign it, right?

I've spent the last five years in particular really working on letting go of the past, trying not to project into the future...and taking a gentle hand with myself in trying to live in THIS moment. (easier said than done!!!!) And in THIS moment, right now it's March 5th, it's Sunday, and I started the day by nudging my reluctant ego into the gym without the realisation that on this day, 10 years ago my Mom died.....Then a friend reminded me, "It's March 5th."

I wonder if friends expect March 5th to be a more difficult day for me than it seems to have been over the years? People who have not yet lost a parent, who think that when it happens to them -they'll never get through it....I thought that too, before I went through it. Everyone goes through it in their own way of course, but 10 years ago I could NOT imagine a world without my Mom in it...and certainly thought that the anniversary of her death would forever be a dark and debilitating day for me.

Not so. The heart heals and life goes on. I suppose though that what anniversaries do provide is an invitation to pause and reflect on where we were then, and how far we've come....

Ten years ago, on this day, we had a Home Care nurse staying with us in the house 24 hours a day. My Mom's best friend, Marilynn had also come to stay with us...to be there "for the event". I was sleeping. At around 3am (I think), my brother's girlfriend at the time, Abby, came to my room and woke me up....

"The nurse says your Mom probably only has five, or six hours left..."
'Ok,' I said, 'I'm coming.'

I made my way upstairs and down the hall to my Mom's room where Jamie and Marilynn were already sitting with her. I was terrified as I sat down on the edge of the bed and took her hand. Marilynn and Jamie were saying things like, "We're here with you....everything's going to be ok...". I, on the other hand, was completely mute. What does one SAY to your mom when she's dying in front of you? Really! I can tell you what you're thinking, you're thinking,'NO!!! I can't do this. I can't sit here and watch it happen. I don't want to be here.'

Eventually the most powerful knowing came into my mind. "She doesn't know you're here. You're not saying anything, she can't hear your voice...so she thinks you're not here yet and she's waiting for you, wondering where you are." Ah! Well, that got me started. I crawled up onto the bed and leaned into her field of vision and said, "I'm here Mom. I'm here."

...and then, it was as if something else just took over and all three of us started talking to her. We said, "It's ok for you to go now. We're here, and we'll be ok, and you go now. Let it happen. Just go. Relax, and go."

And she heard us. Her eyes started to tear up. And she listened to us. She relaxed and didn't fight it and she...just...stopped breathing. It was that simple. And the moment that she was gone was SO clear and obvious, and what was left behind was not HER - it was just a wrapper, a vehicle....And what was meant to have taken five, or six hours...took ten minutes because we talked her through it, we let her go.

And I was relieved it was over. Cancer sucks. Illness sucks. Death itself - doesn't suck so much actually. In my Mom's case it was SO simple and quiet and gentle....And I am SO grateful that Jamie and I were there. There is something very RIGHT about being there to usher out the person who ushered you into the world. I highly recommend it actually.

So - now, 10 years later, pausing and looking back - it's like it happened yesterday! Yes - it's possible to go right back there and live it all again...I'm glad we gave my Mom a good death, at home, in her own bed with her best friend and her children at her side. And I know we said the right things in the moment - when what I really wanted to say was, "STAY! I'm not ready for you to go! This is too soon!"

A greater wisdom prevailed.

TEN YEARS! I miss my Mom....but it doesn't hurt all the time, the way I imagined it would. Life is good. I'm OK...And now that I've taken this moment to pause....I think I'll get back to the rest of my day.

R

There's a Feeling In The Air...

Because a good friend of mine is out in Calgary right now...my thoughts have turned to the West....

I miss Calgary quite badly. I miss the mountains. I miss nature. I miss the prairies. I miss how damn friendly people are. I miss all those old folks at the Calgary Airport in their White Hats. I miss Stampede breakfast....I even miss red necks. Twice now in Toronto a group of us have produced, "The Calgary Show - An eveing of comedy with some of Toronto's finest Calgarians"...and it was packed beyond capacity with other Calgarians. In Toronto - people joke about us being sheep f*%kers (which is ridiculous because well all know it's Red Deer where that happens!)....But there is no denying that there is something special about that conservative, oil money town that keeps us all going back - and banding together here in Canada's asshole (take THAT Toronto!)

So - out of curiosity fellow Calgarians, I invite you to post some of your favorite Calgary memories, places, activities. What do you miss about it, what do you love?

I miss Loose Moose.
I miss 4th Street and the Elbow River.
( I don't miss Arty the Jester...but he's in Vancouver now.)
I miss the theatre community there, and the Auburn.
I miss the Ship and Anchor.
I miss Nellies and their breakfast burrito (my ass doesn't miss it!)

While you ponder, I leave you with these words. A song that we open every Calgary Show with:

"There's a feeling in the air,
That you can't get anywhere,
Except in Calgary.
I taste a thousand yesterdays,
And I love the magic ways
Of Calgary.

From the mountains close at hand,
I can look across the land and see you touch the sky,
From where to prairies grow
To where the sunsets glow,
We're all good neighbours passing by....

Makes no difference where I go
You're the best home town I know,
Hello Calgary, Hello Calgary....
________________________________________!!!"

I've left out the last line because it's been far too long since I had a BLOG CONTEST!!!
A FREE pint to the first person to post the CORRECT last line of this song.
(there are in fact TWO options....so, bonus points if you know both of them!)
And don't forget to post your Calgary favs....

;-)