The Ecstacy and the Agony...

I never thought I'd ever type this:

I did my first clown turn last night.

Blah! I know, I know...CLOWNS. SO much baggage attached to that word - I blush that the phrase "I did my first clown turn" has become part of my earthly experience. Ah well....

I'm not entirely sure that what we did really counts as an "authentic" clown turn, or not. I'm sure there are many purists from the "clown community" who would argue, and be able to site many "clowning authorities" as why our performance might not "count"....However, and regardless - it was a TON OF FUN!

Bruce and I have been performing at the Spiegletent N' Tavern...down at Harbourfront Centre.

The scene: a cafe in Paris....a bistro table and two chairs. A bottle of wine, two glasses, a dish of chocolates.
Sitting at the table: ME.
Wearing: a gorgeous red dress with black polka-dots...a vintage reproduction called "1930's Bombshell", perfectly pretty make-up, epic eye-lashes, red lips and...a RED NOSE.
The premise being that I'd been waiting for a "Blind Date" for over two hours...so obviously he's not going to show. After a bit of toying with the audience, I ask if there's some gentlman who might like to join me. A very excited young lady in the third row volunteered her boyfriend(!)....So, I brought "Mike" up on stage to be my date. He kissed my hand, we drank wine, I fed him chocolate and made him suck my finger...then asked if he'd like to slow dance...And, as things seemed to be going well....offered a "first kiss". Ah - Mike - the perfect audience volunteer! Both nervous and game...So we kissed...And then I teased him about kissing like an "English" person....all tight and closed mouthed, and encouraged him to be brave, and reminded him that we were "alone" in our french cafe....And - after much cheering from the crowd - he made out with me! Then I told him I was a virgin - and perhaps he was feeling passionate enough to take me on the table then and there?! And Mike was embarassed, but the crowd encouraged him...and so, he gave it a slight attempt.....So, to save him his discomfort...I excused myself to the powder room and left him sitting at the table....

That's when Bruce entered (also in clown nose) with his CNIB CANE....My actually BLIND date! And Bruce made his way to the table and assumed that Mike was ME...and started the date all over again! I returned from the powder room and coached Mike through the whole scenario again - only this time, with Mike playing my role....pouring wine for Bruce, feeding him chocolate, slow dancing....Mike didn't seem keen to make-out with Bruce at which point Bruce "discovers" that Mike is a man and challenges him to a pool noodle dual - a fight for my honour! In the end, Mike won and we ran off the stage, crying, "Love is Blind!"

What a BLAST! It's been so long since I have performed live....I forgot how thrilling it is, how much of a high I get from it...and how I LOVE to play with an audience. And - it is amazing what PERMISSION a red nose gives you as a performer, and what permission it gives an audience! I was amazed that an audience volunteer was willing to make out and mime hump me...And what great laughs it got too....I may be hooked!

Then this morning....a tiny bit of agony....

A good friend (whose identity I will protect) is in town visiting his brother....so we made plans to meet for lunch. I ended up running into him on the street 30 minutes before we were to meet. Spying him crossing the street, I called out his name and rushed in for a hug. I misjudged the distance and we ended up smashing feet together, awkwardly, as the hug was executed - me in open-toed sandles, him in runners. OUCH! I thought, "I really stubbed my toe there"....And then looked down to discover that my smarting toe was now SANS TOE NAIL!!! And....then the bleeding started....And I have since been reading on the internet that it will take A YEAR for my toenail to grow back!!!

Once again - the Universe brings balance to an over-ecstatic performer!

"Keep it real Northan - you may be feeling pretty good about yourself this morning...but BAM! Your feet are still on the ground and now one of them is bleeding! Take THAT NOVICE CLOWN!!!!"

:-)

Return From Paradise...

48 hours ago I was sitting on the banks of the Spray Lakes, south of Canmore, Alberta.

I drove in, alone, pulled into one of the plethora of empty camp sites, parked the rental, and meandered down to the shore.
What surrounded me defies description almost - for I lack the prowess of the poet and posess nothing but my own clumsy words...

Behind me, a forest of evergreens...
Before me, and on either side, mountains, lake, blue, blue Alberta skies dotted with cotton candy clouds, more trees...
And most staggering of all - not another human being.
The sound of loons.
Lapping water.
Wind.
The noisy silence of The Rockies...

For a gal who now lives in the heart of Toronto's littered, piss-soaked, teaming streets - this was near impossible to absorb for the first while...To think there was a time, before I left Alberta, that the Spray Lakes invoked little more than a, "Yeah - it's pretty nice here," embarrasses me to no end.

I believe that I truly experienced AWE for the first time in my life.
I wanted to weep, but was too overcome to do so...
I have never inhaled with such GREED. If only I could have filled my luggage with Alberta air, I would gladly have abandoned my wardrobe!

So - why the trip, alone, to the mountains?

Sadly, I have felt at the end of my emotional tether of late - and am lacking the clarity to even say why....And I like to think of myself as 'pretty damn smart' - so the cloudiness confounds!

I have a good life.
A wonderful husband, who is a good friend, who makes me laugh, who challenges me and helps me to grow...
I have the greatest friends that ANYONE could ask for, ever. Truly.
A career that has continued to afford me a comfortable life, with gigs that other actors have envied at times...
I have a great apartment, filled with beautiful things...
The fridge is full of food...
I'm growing a container garden on the deck...

So.
WHY do I feel restless, empty, unsatisfied - BORED?
The worry is, of course, that "nothing will ever be good enough"...which leads to the thought that these feelings will never pass...Have I bought into the advertiser's pablum that "happiness and fulfillment" are just around the corner, in the next jar of anti-wrinkle cream? Were you to examine the contents of my medicine cabinet - you would think so!

I WANT MORE!!!

But more of what? I don't know....

There's a saying in theatre, "Less is more"....And maybe that's the thing. Maybe I have TOO MUCH? Maybe if I was a little more worried about where to find food, or where I was going to sleep at night....I wouldn't have time to feel BORED with my cushy life. GOD - I just don't know!

I think I may be having a pre-mid-life crisis...HOW BORING.

Here's something odd though....While I was in the mountains, surrounded by nature....These thoughts and feelings seemed to soften, to lighten up and even fade a bit under prairie sun. Mother Nature reached down and caressed my forehead the way so many mothers do when the brows of their children are furrowed....I was overcome by dreams of log-cabin-life, of running a Bed and Breakfast in Field, BC....of simply being in a place that I don't have to be afraid to take my shoes off and walk barefoot through the grass for fear of treading on a syringe, or broken glass...or a used condom (seriously).

I moved to Toronto to pursue my CAREER DREAMS...but in doing so, have so lost my connection to nature that I don't remember what it feels like to lay in the shade of a tree anymore...

I had no idea that I was a Prairie Girl, until I left the Prairies...And in the time that I've lived in this Big City I have come to realise something about the Prairies vs. Big City living:

On the prairies - your eye travels, uninterrupted, to the horizon...And it takes you OUT of yourself. You feel SMALL against the vast canvas of the prairies and 360 degrees of SKY...and if you sit and breathe it all in, it makes your problems seem small too. In Toronto - my eye travels 12 feet to the windows of my neighbours across the deck, or it travels across the street to the Dollar-rama, blasting music and selling hooker wear while junkies and angry city-dwellers rush by, cursing at each other...And out of sheer self-preservation your eye...and your problems bounce back at you, and so become MAGNIFIED...And the bounce back happens over and over as your soul searches for the horizon, only to be met with concrete and grey...And, before you know it, you're depressed and angry all the time - and telling strangers to ,"Go fuck themselves" doesn't seem at all unreasonable...

I miss Alberta.