Grandma's "Special Shakes"...

Let it not be said that I won't try anything once....

As I am still in considerable PAIN (I now know that I have a slightly herniated disk that is causing nerve pain to run down my leg) I have been taking Tylenol 3s that are left over from having my fibroids removed last summer. Alas, Tylenol 3s do not last forever, especially when you're popping them like "I'll only just have one potato chip".

So.

What to do for pain control once the Tylenol runs out?

Luckily there is a cafe not too far from us that is part of the Compassion Society of Toronto. This means that users of medicinal marijuana are able to purchase a membership to gain access to the private rooms upstairs and use an atomiser to dose themselves. This way they are not house bound with whatever condition has lead them to using medicinal marijuana, but can say to friends, "Meet me for a coffee!. Hurrah!

This fabulous cafe, aside from making THE BEST breakfast sandwich I've ever had in my life, also sells "special shakes", or rather, smoothies. They are all organic, non-dairy, vegan friendly and contain either essence of Sativa, or Indica.

( I had never heard of these things either....Here is an brief overview:

The tough fiber of the plant, cultivated as hemp, has numerous textile uses. Its seed, chiefly used as caged-bird feed, is a valuable source of protein. The flowers (and to a much lesser extent the leaves, stems, and seeds) contain psychoactive and physiologically active chemical compounds known as cannabinoids that are consumed for recreational, medicinal, and spiritual purposes. When so used, preparations of flowers (marijuana) and leaves and preparations derived from resinous extract (hashish) are consumed by smoking, vaporizing and oral ingestion. Historically, tinctures, teas, and ointments have also been common preparations.)

Off we trotted to the cafe...ok - I didn't trot, I limped and whinced my way there. Once inside Bruce went to the counter to order. We're regulars at the cafe, solely up to this point for the mind blowing sandwhiches, so the staff were pleasantly surprised by our order. ( I guess we're not the NARCS we come across as). Bruce explained my problem, the symptoms and the level of pain that I was in ( 8/10 that day)...And "Christian" (not his real name) assured me that he would make a smoothie that would have me forgetting my pain in no time. Five minutes later, Bruce and I were standing out on the patio, me imbibing in a healthy magic smoothie, Bruce reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows out loud to me. In short order, I finished the shake and Christian told me I should feel the affects in about an hour...

Bruce and I returned home so that I could lay down and he could continue reading Harry Potter to me. (so sweet!) Christian was right....within the hour I started to feel...not like myself. I was most certainly experiencing some sort of "body high", and as it continued, Bruce's voice seemed to be coming from the end of a very long tunnel....And then, I had to go to the bathroom...

I could hardly stand on my own, so Bruce came to the side of the bed to help me up, and that's all it took - nothing monumetous, or jarring - and I was well on my way down the slippery slope of a full blown FREAK OUT!!! I started to panic, my heart was racing, I was crying uncontrollably, hyper-ventalating....every step I took towards the bathroom felt as though it would most certainly be my last. I kept asking Bruce what was happening to me, and then alternatly telling him that I don't think I ever need to have one of those shakes again, and why would ANYONE do this sort of thing for recreation?! Bruce of course realised what was happening to me and spoke calmly while rubbing my back, telling me everthing would be OK - until I blurted "YOU'RE SCARING ME!!!"....And then he just quietly lead me to the bathroom. I'm sure it only took about two minutes - but to my addled brain it was taking FOREVER, and I would surely die before ever making it back to bed.

By the time I got back to bed, the 'freak out' had passed and I was quiet....Until I got snacky and needed to eat flat bread and hummus (I guess I'm too urban for Doritos)....and then came waves of uncontrollable laugher - which caused SO MUCH PAIN in my back....that I couldn't stop laughing and crying, laughing and crying. What a vicious circle!

Eventually, the laughing passed and I was quiet again. Of course, I had no chance of following Bruce as he read and I had to keep asking him to explain what was happening in the story. Then the phone rang, and as I lay in bed listening, all thoughts turned black and all I could think was how much a hated Bruce for being on the phone, not telling me who he was talking to and telling whoever it was that I was in bed stoned out of my mind.

The strange thing is that even as all of this was happening to me - there was a calm, observer in me that kept saying "It's just the drug, breathe, it will end soon enough." I HATED EVERY MOMENT OF IT.

After some time, I fell asleep - and woke up only slightly "hung over" the next day.

PHEW!!! I never, never never need to go through that again. I'll take the back pain, thanks. Bruce figures that I had an allergic reaction as my experience seemed unusually intense to him. Blah!

Grandma is happy to sticking to last year's Tylenol 3s!!!

Random Feedback

The following was forwarded to me as a 'Random posting on Facebook".
I am proud to say that I have resisted the Facebook craze, and like to think that I continue to elude capture by the CIA as a result!

Check this out:

"Some would say that a burlesque show is mere titillation….and they’d be
right. It is. It does provide one with a thrill, but one that is neither
cheap nor dirty. It is the essence of teasing flirtiness, capturing the
fun and frivolity of what sexy really means.

It is an art that seems to have been lost in today’s easily accessible
and perpetual presentation of sexual desire as a function of perfect
body parts. In doing so, perpetuating the meat rather than the
salesmanship, we have lost the essence of sexiness – the humanity of it.

Thankfully Torontonians have a wonderful reminder of what that word
truly means in the presence of the Spiegel Show – a good old fashioned
burlesque show. Les Spiegelettes, as the burlesque dancers are known,
tease with such an assuredly confident playfulness that would leave even
the best paid stripper envious.

The Spiegel show is more than mere garters, stockings and strategically
placed fans. The wonderfully entertaining troupe of singers, gymnasts,
figure skaters and trapeze artists, dazzle and delight with wonderful
displays of their form.

Still, in the end the Spiegel Show is at its core about sex…but as a
sort of drunken exuberance. Spiegel exudes it from every tent flap. From
Act 1 on this show displays a joie de vivre that is so completely
infectious that it leaves the audience in a warm fuzzy glow obtained
from a true understanding of what it means to be human.

There's still time to go see it and if you do can you take me with you?"

'SIGH'

I am humbled...AGAIN!
And....my heart is breaking as I am still in bed, not able to walk -which means no Spiegel show for me Thursday, Friday...beyond that, I will find a way to do my bit in a wheelchair!

If you are reading....please pause here and send your best healing energy to the small of my back!

:-)

Flat On My Back...

I am officially out of commission...

Ten days straight of "Fringe-ing", along with rigorous "Spiegel-ing" thrown in Thursdays - Sundays, and my lower back has finally called it quits! I am currently in bed with my laptop, a bag of frozen peas pressed firmly into my lower lumbar region. I live in fear of sneezing....

The odd thing is that I've done nothing particular to bring this on. The pain itself is familiar though...This is an OLD injury that I sustained while being a smart-ass during an improv show at the tender age of 19. Sitting is impossible, walking is a challenge, sneezing, as I said, inspires terror. Most likely my old injury is back after two months of stress and ongoing depression - which I won't go into at this time, but isn't it interesting how emotions manifest in the body...seemingly always in the areas we are the most weak?

I am trying to stay positive about this, and present. Physical pain does wonders for focussing the attention on the body...and back pain slows us down. So - now that I'm in bed and moving as slowly as I possibly can - the question is: what to focus on?
No doubt on the issues I've been wrestling with most recently - my early "mid-life crisis".....Or, as my good friend Patrick Brown calls it: "My mid-life healing". I like that!

As always - the career question is a struggle. Being an artist can be such a difficult haul....Not knowing where the next pay cheque is coming from, going on audition after audition to be rejected again and again, "Too tall, too short, we want a blonde, not the right energy, etc"....very little is merit based. It's hard to have so little control.

The BIGGER issue at hand though....Ying and Yang. The masculin vs. the feminine. Action vs. surrender....What does it mean to be a woman these days? I have always been terrible at surrendering. I was taught to fend for myself, and in so doing have shunned anything that appeared "weak" to me - namely most feminine traits that come to mind. I'm finally starting to realise that moving through the world with masculin energy is exhausting me....But here I am, in my 30's, and I have no idea how to act like a Lady! Well...no. I do sometimes...I'm just grossly imbalanced.

So.

My body, in all its wisdom has created the perfect scenario for me to taste surrender. I have no choice but to allow people to help me....Why is that so difficult? Because I'm an independent woman who knows how to take care of herself, thanks very much!

After the Spiegel Show last night...two handsome audience members (Mark and Jonathan) took my arms and walked me to a taxi because I'd been chatting with them, and they knew I was in pain. Perfect strangers! Mark carried my suitcase, waved down a cab, opened the door, helped me get in....I almost burst into tears! (which, in retrospect would have been VERY girly of me! Shit! I missed an opportunity there by being "brave".)....And I felt guilty and embarrassed about it. MY problem, obviously. Surrendering is also about receiving - something I need to practise!

As I lay here....I wonder if our feminist mothers and grandmothers may have pushed to pendulum a little too far? Perhaps "acting like men" has been confused with the equal and fair treatment they were after? And now, here we are in a "modern world" where women act like men, and men are being asked to display more and more feminine traits....and no one knows how to behave with each other anymore. Is it 'ok' to let HIM pay for dinner, open the door, make the plans? I know many men who would like to do those things....but are worried that it will be perceived as an insult! The energies are all messy....

At the moment, I long to encounter "Alpha Male" energy...because it activates my feminine energy...but when I've brought this up with the men in my life (who, God bless them, are mostly well read, funny, slightly nerdy Beta males)...they say, "You don't want Alpha male energy...Alpha males are assholes. Sure - they'll take charge and pay for your dinner....but they won't LISTEN to you, they don'g care what you're feeling and they certainly won't want to TALK about it." WOW! Such judgement of the Alpha Male! Is he really all that bad?

I don't know....I just don't know....I DO know that I don't want to be the "Alpha male" in my own life anymore!

For now - I am working from the outside in. I've committed to wearing dresses and skirts this summer. I've purchased a ton of sexy, girly underwear....And NOW - flat on my back, in pain....I'm all about receiving and surrendering....and a bit of crying...and am taking this time that's landed in my lap to think about what it means to be a woman.

Big stuff.

Love in the Spiegeltent...

NOW I understand why there are so many tales of people running away with the CIRCUS!

Off the top of the eveing, Spiegeltent MC, the handsome and talented Brad Hampton, invites the audience to "breathe in the ghosts of the tent, and fall in love" - and my GOD, I've taken that to heart!

I AM IN LOVE!

There is a real magic in the air down at the tent, and all of the performers are feeling it. It has been a long time since I have been part of a cast of performers who are so content to come to work, be with each other in the dressing room, and are willing to clear their schedules and jump through any hoops it takes in order to continue being part of this show. Tina Rasmussen has put together a real theatre "family" and a fabulous show.

Arriving at the tent, I am always greeted by the sight of a few of our circus performers stretching and contorting on their warm-up mats in the grass outside the dressing room tent. I can only pray that my hips will one day be that open - being able to put a leg behiind your head must surely come in handy in so many circumstances. Entering the dressing room requires seperating a curtain of split blacks to reveal a jumble of feathers, sequins, pasties and G-strings...not to mention corsets, curling irons, body glitter and more naked flesh than I've seen in my lifetime! The "Spiegelettes" who do all the Burlesque numbers are a delight to encounter....and, in all honesty - being exposed to these gals night after night has deeply affected my choice in undergarments. In the last month I have dropped...well, I won't disclose the exact amount - but I have spent a PRETTY PENNY on PANTIES, and various other elaborate sundries!!! ( this all comes at an ideal time - as my goal for the summer has been to develop my FEMININE side...I'm so tired of the "practical Tom-Boy routine"....subject for another BLOG entry)...These women are a testament to being pretty and powerful!

The rotating cast of variety performers are too extensive and talented to go into here - but I am awed and inspired by people doing what they love to do and doing it WELL!

The audiences have been amazing...and I continue to be deeply moved and impressed by my "volunteers"! "Blind Date" has grown nicely over the last few weeks - and continues to do so. (I will be trying a few different endings this coming week...). Bruce is no longer part of the piece - I am flying "solo" and playing with whomever I pull up night, after night. I LOVE MEN! Each one I've had come up has been delightful in his own way. They are both bashful and bold....and Mimi, my "clown" (I still wince), is a character that I'm enjoying fully. Plans are already perculating in my mind to take this further and develop a long form with it. Improvising with an audience member is truly thrilling and I'm hungry for more....

Doing both the Fringe AND the Spiegeltent is perhaps more than I have energy for....But all exhaustion disappears the moment I set foot inside the tent and I feel....HOME. This is heightened by the number of old friends and Calgarians who are also in the show: Peter Oldring, Rae Ellen Bodie, Terra Hazelton, the Rumoli Bros. (Brandon and Kurt Furla) - I am SO PROUD to be Calgarian when I watch these people representing , "the elite of Toronto's cultural underbelly"!!!

If I can figure out a way to flatten myself into one of the crates when the Tent comes down....I won't be seen in these parts again! I know already that my heart will break when the show closes - and I am NOT one to be prone to post-show depression. This experience has been more than "just another gig".....There's something in the tent that gives PERMISSION to everyone who comes - and it seems that titilation, suggestion, risk taking and play are things that people are thirsty for in this world where so little is left to imagination anymore. The Spiegeltent takes us back in time....

'sigh'....

Yup.
I'm totally IN LOVE.

xo